Sick and tired of being sick

About 16 months ago I got very sick, I was ill for about 8 weeks with allergies and bronchitis.  In an effort to feel better, I pulled most of the carpet out of the house (and have yet to replace it with anything) and went ill free for quite some time.  However, lately, about the last 15 weeks, it seems that I stay sick.  My head stays stopped up, and I almost live off of Advil Cold and Sinus as well as Claritin allergy meds.  The two combined keep me just well enough that I don't get bronchitis, but do not keep me from feeling like shit.  I know that there are several issues that contribute to my current state of health: One is my thyroid, it's inability to function properly leaves me with a weakened immune system. Two, I work 2 jobs, get one day off a week, and tend to ware myself out. Three. I do not eat the way I should and often don't have time to or forget to eat all together. Four, have yet to pull the rest of the carpet out of the house.  There are more factors, but they are minor.  I really need an EASY button to fix it.  There are times when I wake up and feel normal and that lasts about 2or 3 days, then wham..back to being the walking mess.  I really hope I find a real job soon, something has to give, or I am going to break.

Closet door creaks open...

Saturday turned out to be more eventful than I thought it would be.  My BFF celebrated her 10 year anniversary.  I really hated the idea of going, but would not have missed it.  She means the world to me and I wanted to be there for her.   I thought long and hard about taking Sir and sis, and in the end, it was wonderful that they came.  What it boiled down to, is that if I had been dating somevanilla for 6 months, it would have been expected and a given that that person would have been my date for the party.  Although, our relationship is a little different, it seemed natural for them to be there with me.  My BFF loves me for who I am and sees that Sir and my sister are good for me.  She likes them for that alone.  In time she will love them even more because she will begin to see just how amazing they are.  She has know for a while now, but last night I came out to her husband.  I was shocked when he said "I have loved you since the day I met you", mainly because we fight like rabid cats and dogs.  He has noticed the changes in me and can not argue that my new family is good for me.  Our conversation ended with a hug and a smile and a "I am happy for you."  So the weekend turned out better than I thought it would and who knows, maybe even a chapter closed on the animosity between her hubby and myself.  Only time will tell I guess.  I also told my aunt a little about my relationship with Sir and sis, as much as i thought she need to know any way, and she seemed to handle it very well. So all in all, my weekend was good.  Once again, page is turned and chapter is closed, only to start on a new one.

Silver lining

July is my BFF's anniversary. It is hard to believe that she and her husband have made it 10 years. 

Ohhh, and I can't forget to mention my class reunion is this year, 2 years early, but we are sharing it with 8 other classes. It should be a blast to see, not just the kids in my class, but all the kids that were in high school while I was there.

 My nephew gets to play in the World Series next week.  He is on an amazing select team of 8 year olds that were all hand picked for their special talents in baseball, and throughout the year they have been playing all over the state.  Now, they are getting ready to play against the best in the USA.  I am sooo excited for him and the opportunity he has been given.  He is an amazing baseball player even at such a young age.

I keep reminding myself that the concept of "good" would not exist with the concept of "bad".  It has been a battle this week to not let the negative out weigh the positive.  However, I am trying and with the help of Sir, my sister, and my BFF, I should be just fine.

Overload

This weekend was a little on the odd side.  I had a moment of panic that is still hanging over my head.  Sir and i am working on it, trying to figure out what happened and work out the kink.  Little things have begun to reverse back to the way they were before;  having trouble sleeping, not eating right, and once, just once, that little thought popped into my head.  Not that I would ever do it!  But that thought of dieing brought on that comfortable calm that I always get when it rares its ugly head.  I have not had those feelings for a long time now, and frankly, I don't ever want to have that thought pop into my head again. The aftermath of my little "moment" even effected my job.  I found myself getting a little aggravated and very stressed. 

It has been a week of reflection and worry.  A week of looking deep inside myself trying to figure out why I had my 'moment" and where it came from.  As of now, there are no answers to be found.  I am still a little lost and insecure, but Sir is doing his best to keep me from worrying and keeping my feet on the ground.

August is around the corner and with it comes aches of the past.  Tim was murdered August 1 2002, and Kaylee's birthday is on the 19th.  She would be 18, getting ready for college, getting ready to move out.  I would be preparing myself for the empty nest syndrome to set in.  It is a game I play of what if.  A form of self torture really. 

 In my recent moments of anxiety, it dawned on me that I really do have a reason to be stressed.  I have been working 6 days a week for nearly a year now.  A WHOLE YEAR OF WORKING 6 DAYS A WEEK.  Wow.  No wonder I am so stressed out.  Beside the occasional holiday off,  I have been working my ass off to make my bills.  I really do need to get a job in my field soon.  I am not sure if I can keep this up much longer.  And I wonder why my hair is grey!

Family

This 4th of July weekend I was lucky enough to get Sunday evening and all of Monday off.  Against better judgement I allowed my Aunt to persuade me to go home for a quick visit.  Upon arrival, I remembered why I hate going home.


I remember thinking on the way there how nice it was going to be to see my Mom and Dad, spend a quiet few hours in conversation get some much needed sleep, home made breakfast, a little bit more conversation or some shopping in with mom.  But no.  As we pull around the corner or their mile long drive way I see my Grandmother's car.  I remember saying to my self  "aww FUCK!"  I love my grandmother very much, she is a very wonderful Lady.  The catch in the situation is that there are only 2 extra beds in the house.  So if my aunt and I drive up, I get a bed and she gets the other.  However, if my Grandmother is there, then I respectfully take the couch.  So my Aunt and Grandmother get the two room upstairs. 


My mom and dad are up until around 2 am.  Normally, so am I, so that really is not the problem.  However, my Grandmother gets up at 7 am.  Now you see the problem.  The living room turns into Grand Central Station around 6 am.  Mom gets up to let the dogs out, dad gets up to feed the horses.  They get to go back to bed and sleep another 3 hours.  My grandmother is in the kitchen reading the paper, making coffee, talking to the dogs, calling her Bff Jo, flushing the toilet, doing the dishes left over from the night before, and the list goes on and on.


I think if I could get a descent nights sleep, I might not mind so much going home to see my parents.  But it is damn hard to drive 4 hours on 3 hours of sleep!  I should leave my parents in a wonderful mood, after getting to see them, but no, I am more stressed out than I was when I arrived. 


My family is not perfect, but I do love them no matter how much I complain.  I am who I am because of them.  Strong, independent, kind, protective, loyal, committed, hot headed, social butterfly, a leader..that and more rolled up into this little package that is me.  So, even though I am a little grouchy about having to sleep on a couch that smells like the 6 dogs that it has survived,  I already miss my Mom and Dad.  They are 4 hours away, and I get to see them about 4 days and 2 nights a year.  I hope to, one day soon, be able to change that.