Overload

This weekend was a little on the odd side.  I had a moment of panic that is still hanging over my head.  Sir and i am working on it, trying to figure out what happened and work out the kink.  Little things have begun to reverse back to the way they were before;  having trouble sleeping, not eating right, and once, just once, that little thought popped into my head.  Not that I would ever do it!  But that thought of dieing brought on that comfortable calm that I always get when it rares its ugly head.  I have not had those feelings for a long time now, and frankly, I don't ever want to have that thought pop into my head again. The aftermath of my little "moment" even effected my job.  I found myself getting a little aggravated and very stressed. 

It has been a week of reflection and worry.  A week of looking deep inside myself trying to figure out why I had my 'moment" and where it came from.  As of now, there are no answers to be found.  I am still a little lost and insecure, but Sir is doing his best to keep me from worrying and keeping my feet on the ground.

August is around the corner and with it comes aches of the past.  Tim was murdered August 1 2002, and Kaylee's birthday is on the 19th.  She would be 18, getting ready for college, getting ready to move out.  I would be preparing myself for the empty nest syndrome to set in.  It is a game I play of what if.  A form of self torture really. 

 In my recent moments of anxiety, it dawned on me that I really do have a reason to be stressed.  I have been working 6 days a week for nearly a year now.  A WHOLE YEAR OF WORKING 6 DAYS A WEEK.  Wow.  No wonder I am so stressed out.  Beside the occasional holiday off,  I have been working my ass off to make my bills.  I really do need to get a job in my field soon.  I am not sure if I can keep this up much longer.  And I wonder why my hair is grey!