Movement

It is strange how lights click on, and illuminate things hidden deep in my soul. Doors shut on (and lock out) bad memories from my past. Pages turn and new adventures begin. My life is definitely not the same today as it was half a year ago.




For so long I have felt as if I was standing still.  Yes, yes I was going through the motions of day to day life.  But my life was not going anywhere.  My best friend was really the only true friend I spent any time with and my family was, and still is, uninvolved for the most part.  But things are changing.  Changing fast.  I met her and her Master in January.  6 months later, i was given my tags.  With that comes the challenge of writing my first contract. I never guessed that i would go from standing still to running.    Has it really been 6 months?  It seems like only a few weeks ago i stepped into my first meeting.  That was the day that i met the 2 people that have become most of my life, my sister and my Sir.   Little things in daily life remind me of them.  Not an hour goes by in the day that they do not cross my mind. 


Everyday something unique comes up:
1) My aunt managed to let it slip to members of my genetic family that I had a boyfriend.  When I called my sister-in-law to wish her a happy birthday, she asked about "my boyfriend."  I stumbled and fumbled, while He listened on, i had no idea how to define Him to my sister-in-law.  Having a boyfriend would open a can of worms, and lead to questions i am just not prepared to answer.  i would never consider Him to be my boyfriend, He is much more than that.  For that matter, my sister is not my girlfriend, she is much more than that.  T/they are my family. (Now, i just have to figure out what i am going to tell my Dad, who now thinks i have a boyfriend.)
2) Sir, sister, and i went out together into the vanilla world.  I have to wonder what people thought when they saw the three of us out "together"?
3) I spent some time with Sir alone and we talked extensively about my past, present, and future. It was odd not having my sister there.  But i know if anything important came up that He feels she should know, he will tell her.


I know that i am very lucky to have found 3 people that take me as i am, scares and scrapes included.

1996

My best friend and I have always laughed and teased about our future.  It started almost the day we met June 1996, I believe.  She moved into the house, we hit it off and were attached at the hip instantly.  If you saw me, she was not far behind, if not literally, with her arms wrapped around me, and vice-versa.  On cold nights (no heaters) she would pad down the hall and snuggle up in my bed with me.  We cooked together, went out for drinks together, spent holidays together....The future seemed obvious.  We would have our lives, get married, out live our husbands and eventually be back to where we started.   Two little witches, living in a big antique house together with our cats and a large garden. 

Today we live about 10 minutes away from each other and spend quite a bit of time together.  Lately, my life has traveled down a path that takes up a lot of my time and I can't help but feel a little guilty in my absence.  I have to remind myself that she has made her a life: 3 kids she loves and a husband (not to mention the in-laws that are almost always there).  I have reached a place in my life where I have to focus on me.  I miss the Saturday nights we used to spend together, but seeing my Sir and sister feels just as important.  She has her life,  I feel like mine is just beginning.  That beginning is something I need to focus on now.  I just wish that I could have it all.  My family and my BFF.  I hope that in time it will all work out. 

I love you Shawna, you really are an amazing person.

the week from hell

My week is going to be interesting to say the least with the addition of VBS. I go in at 8 am, get an hour lunch, get off at 6:30pm, only to have to be across the street at my second job at 6:30 to get off at 9:30pm. As well as get ready for the Job Fair. So i hope i can make it through drop without too much worry.


But the most depressing thought about my whole week and weekend, is that i will miss out on all my birthday fun. I won't get to see my BFF, she always has a party for me and her mom (we have the same b-day), my family normally takes me out for dinner, and I might not get to see my Sir and sister. The idea of missing out really didn't bother me until today, and in fact I was not going to tell anyone that it was this week. However, I am feeling a little sad about it now.

My week is going to be a challenge and will interfere with what i want to do.   I am having to find the strength to remember what my priorities are, when all i really want to do is spend time with my Sir, sister, and the rest of the family.  I learned the difference between want and need a long time ago.  However, today, those lines are a little blurry.  I need to find time and motivation to get everything i need to do in my vanilla life accomplished.  Guess it is time to call my mom and get that mental kick in the ass that she is so good at.