Worry

It has been brought to my attention by several members of my new family, that they are worried about me.  However, I am really in a better place now than I have been in a long time.  I am actually dealing with my past instead of hiding it or hiding from it.  My life has not been easy and yet, I almost always boast a smile.  Life is just easier that way. Up until this last week.  I have allowed myself to cry in public only once.  That was the day that I buried my daughter.  I remember climbing the hill to the place where she was to be laid to rest.  My uncle D. held one hand and my uncle P. held the other.  They squeezed my hands so hard that the rings I had worn left bruises on both my hands for weeks.  I cried that day, standing on top of that small hill. 

Of course my Mom has seen me cry.   It was not that long ago, that I sat in her lap and had a good cry.  Needless to say, it was a very bad day. 

I showed up on my BFF's front steps a few years ago crying.  I had driven for 4 hours with tears streaming down my cheeks after my boyfriend died. 

 Don't get me wrong,  a tear or two will fall at funerals, weddings, and even when I sing the National Anthem (yes, I get a little emotional when it comes to our amazing Nation, all that it stands for, and all those that have fallen for Her.)  But actually crying in front of people, I just don't do it.  Normally, I shut my bedroom door and cry alone.  I don't let just anyone see me fall apart.  But this last weekend, I sat at my Sir's feet, and cried.  Although, it was more along the lines of a failed attempt not to cry.  It was a battle to keep the tears from falling, a very hard battle.  I couldn't look Him in the eye, and I clung to my sister's hand.  It was horrible.  I hated feeling that weak and vulnerable, exposing myself in such a unbecoming way. 

I have no problem showing my body, but pain and anguish are very intimate emotions.  They are a part of me that I keep covered and hidden away. Lately, I have begun to see myself as a geode.  The outer rock is interesting and often unique, but if you crack the shell, the true beauty begins to shine.  I am slowly cracking my shell....maybe one day I will shine.

 As for the positive, I feel better about myself.  Once upon a time I was a hot little package.  100 lbs of sexual, bubbly energy.  I began to gain weight and bottomed out at 165 lbs.  I have no doubt that I gained the weight because I was depressed (and hiding it).  I am down to 145lbs and feel good about it, good enough to play in public.   I don't crave junk food, I look forward to weekends, and I am adjusting to the idea that I don't have to smile all the time.  I treat myself better, take care of myself better, and have a better self image.  My world is slowly changing for the better and I have my new family and friends to thank for it.

Emotions.....

Sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it.
Sometimes, I just don't want to process it
Sometimes, I just want to avoid it.
Sometimes, I just want to ignore it.
Sometimes, I just can't face it.
Sometimes, I just can't.

Loose Ends

This weekend has been a doosie.  It started out with a girls night out Friday, that was fun.  Ended up finely getting to bed after 4am on Saturday, and no...I was just up late typing....However, around 4 I remembered that I had a meeting at 9am and was going to have to get up at 7:45 to get there in time.  I had hoped later in the day for a nap, but no...Instead I ended up helping  family clean house, so we could go to the pool .I was busy being me and hanging out until the sun went down and I headed out.  Now here is where I should have just gone home, but no....I decided about 7:45pm that I really wanted to go to the Fetish Ball. ( I guess I am a glutton for punishment.)  So at 9:30pm I ended up down town Houston working and doing some major People Watching.  I managed to get home around 2:30 am, only to get settled down, lights out at 3:30 am, only to have to get back up at 8:30 am for work on Sunday.  So all in all,  in the last  53.5 hours only 8.75 of that was spent sleeping.....I think, (and hope) that I can sleep tonight. 

Despite the lack of sleep, it has been a very fun and entertaining weekend.  Can't wait for the next.

Steel Panther

WOW...I had a blast tonight.  I went out with 2 of my sisters to see a heavy metal 80's band.  I have not danced and laughed that much in a long time.  I was a little sad when one of them started getting a headache and decided to head home early.  I am not surprised though.  The music was heavy and loud and the props guy kept blowing fake smoke.  (I am sure I will pay for it some time Saturday.)   I think if I had been in her shoes, I would have wanted to go home too.  But noooooo, I go home to my cat every night. 


The end of the night ended on an odd note with me sitting in my other sisters car for about an hour waiting for the cops to clear up an altercation that broke out, literally, at my car.  On the bright side, it was quiet and we were able to chit chat with out screaming at each other.


I find myself at loose ends this weekend and feel a little lost.  I have been spending all of my weekends with friends and this weekend they all seem to have plans that do not include each other.  It feels very odd to say the least.  I am sure that by the end of the day I will have found something to do to keep me busy.

Change

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs.  The world is changing around me and I am having to think about changes in my life that will undo the joy I have found recently.  I have until November to find a job or I have to re certify, and I am starting to sweat.  There just are not that many jobs available in our area and my family is pushing and urging me to take any position in Texas that I am offered.  The idea of leaving my best friend (again), and my new family is very disruptive to my current state of happiness.  I try to hold on to a positive outlook, but the reality is,  I might have to move away.

I play the scenario in my head and wonder if, when, and howIf I end up moving away...
If I move can I make this work....
When will I get to see my BFF and family.....
How the HELL is this going to work!!!!!!


All the changes have put me back into that place where I just want to curl up and cry...again
I AM SO TIRED OF WANTING/NEEDING TO CRY........


I have found a much needed happy place, and it looks like that might be changing.  Sometimes I wish I was Scarlet, "I can't think about this now.  I'll go crazy if I do.  I'll think about it tomorrow."  The only problem is that today is tomorrow.  I have to think about it now.  I really, really don't want to.  The idea of leaving hurts too much. 
 
Some one, some where, came up with this bright idea that change was good..... I have to wonder if that same person also invented pantyhose?  They are very nice, smooth, and sexy for a while, until you get a runner!  Then all you have is a hand full of silky trash.

OMG...I love my family

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d023GwL8BB4
This is a video of my nephew hitting his first real home run.  He rocks on the baseball field.  I am so proud of him.

Mother's Day...

A very Innocent day of celebration for children to say
that they love their Mom.   It's a hard day for me.  I call my mom and grand mother, wish them A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, chat for a minute or two, get off the phone, lay in bed and cry. 

Holidays are often hard.  Christmas, Thanks Giving, Kaylee's birthday...and Mother's Day.  I don't get to get the typical fan fair, or celebrate like other mothers.  Everywhere I go I hear  "Happy Mother's Day."  I smile and politely respond the expected "Thank You."  when in truth, all I want to do is cry.    


This year has been the most difficult.  I began to dwell on the the little moments I have missed and will miss.  Her first prom, first homecoming, Christmas mornings around the tree, and the wonderful home made Mother's Day cards and other little moments and memories. Lately I have been focusing on the fact that she would be a Senior in High school this year, and getting ready to graduate.     

I can't even go to see her at the cemetery today  (sometimes that helps), she is too far away now.

So I compose myself long enough to pick up the phone and make the obligatory Happy Mother's Day phone calls to give my Mom and Grandmother something to look forward to next year, because this year I just can't make it home, "But maybe next year Mom. I love You."

 It's hard, and sometimes I just need a hug, but the idea of seeing my mom only brings my loss closer to heart.  I love my mom so much, I tell her so all the time.  I have to wonder if Kaylee would have done the same for me. 

There is a hole in my heart, and today it really hurts.

He Laughed

The last week has been full of epiphanies. I began to notice differences in my behavior and am constantly on the verge of tears. When i brought the issue up, He laughed. Yes, He laughed. but with good reason....

EXPLANATION: This weekend i went to a small get together (about 12 ppl) to hang out and just relax. In my head i know that He was going to be there and when it cam time to eat, He was nowhere in sight. Everyone filled their plates and settled in for an amazing home cooked meal. I, on the other hand, sat staring at my plate with a most disturbed lost feeling. He was not there and I honestly felt as if i was doing something wrong by starting without Him. It took 2 Doms and a sub to convince me that it was, in fact, OK and that i really needed to eat. I believe the winning argument was that it might be another hour before He arrived. So, i pushed my unease aside and ate my lunch like a good girl. I didn't tell Him about my little "moment" until Wednesday, and He found my little tale entertaining.

The reality is that sometimes you have no choice about the path you follow. Sometimes the fork in the the road sneaks up on you and the next thing you know you have taken a path with out conscious though, debate, or decision. Even though we have not formally talked about my submission, subconsciously, i have begun to do just that, submit.

There have been several little moments similar to this over the last week or so that have made me notice little differences in myself. Life taught me how to be strong. Strength is not something that comes natural to me. I built walls and put up barriers, to hide pain, agony, and even vulnerability. Part of me knows all these tears rushing to the surface might, in fact, be something i buried long ago that needs that release to mend. I have found a place in my life where i don't have to be as strong. Maybe i can learn again how to let go a little.

I have a friend who in the past few weeks has had to face and dance with many hard choices. Her world has been very turbulent as of late and she found herself skirting around disaster, risking a major fall. But she didn't fall, she Jumped!...and landed on her feet. I can't help but smile for her. If anyone deserves a little happiness, it is her. She is a wonderful person that simply amazes me.