Worry

It has been brought to my attention by several members of my new family, that they are worried about me.  However, I am really in a better place now than I have been in a long time.  I am actually dealing with my past instead of hiding it or hiding from it.  My life has not been easy and yet, I almost always boast a smile.  Life is just easier that way. Up until this last week.  I have allowed myself to cry in public only once.  That was the day that I buried my daughter.  I remember climbing the hill to the place where she was to be laid to rest.  My uncle D. held one hand and my uncle P. held the other.  They squeezed my hands so hard that the rings I had worn left bruises on both my hands for weeks.  I cried that day, standing on top of that small hill. 

Of course my Mom has seen me cry.   It was not that long ago, that I sat in her lap and had a good cry.  Needless to say, it was a very bad day. 

I showed up on my BFF's front steps a few years ago crying.  I had driven for 4 hours with tears streaming down my cheeks after my boyfriend died. 

 Don't get me wrong,  a tear or two will fall at funerals, weddings, and even when I sing the National Anthem (yes, I get a little emotional when it comes to our amazing Nation, all that it stands for, and all those that have fallen for Her.)  But actually crying in front of people, I just don't do it.  Normally, I shut my bedroom door and cry alone.  I don't let just anyone see me fall apart.  But this last weekend, I sat at my Sir's feet, and cried.  Although, it was more along the lines of a failed attempt not to cry.  It was a battle to keep the tears from falling, a very hard battle.  I couldn't look Him in the eye, and I clung to my sister's hand.  It was horrible.  I hated feeling that weak and vulnerable, exposing myself in such a unbecoming way. 

I have no problem showing my body, but pain and anguish are very intimate emotions.  They are a part of me that I keep covered and hidden away. Lately, I have begun to see myself as a geode.  The outer rock is interesting and often unique, but if you crack the shell, the true beauty begins to shine.  I am slowly cracking my shell....maybe one day I will shine.

 As for the positive, I feel better about myself.  Once upon a time I was a hot little package.  100 lbs of sexual, bubbly energy.  I began to gain weight and bottomed out at 165 lbs.  I have no doubt that I gained the weight because I was depressed (and hiding it).  I am down to 145lbs and feel good about it, good enough to play in public.   I don't crave junk food, I look forward to weekends, and I am adjusting to the idea that I don't have to smile all the time.  I treat myself better, take care of myself better, and have a better self image.  My world is slowly changing for the better and I have my new family and friends to thank for it.