He Laughed

The last week has been full of epiphanies. I began to notice differences in my behavior and am constantly on the verge of tears. When i brought the issue up, He laughed. Yes, He laughed. but with good reason....

EXPLANATION: This weekend i went to a small get together (about 12 ppl) to hang out and just relax. In my head i know that He was going to be there and when it cam time to eat, He was nowhere in sight. Everyone filled their plates and settled in for an amazing home cooked meal. I, on the other hand, sat staring at my plate with a most disturbed lost feeling. He was not there and I honestly felt as if i was doing something wrong by starting without Him. It took 2 Doms and a sub to convince me that it was, in fact, OK and that i really needed to eat. I believe the winning argument was that it might be another hour before He arrived. So, i pushed my unease aside and ate my lunch like a good girl. I didn't tell Him about my little "moment" until Wednesday, and He found my little tale entertaining.

The reality is that sometimes you have no choice about the path you follow. Sometimes the fork in the the road sneaks up on you and the next thing you know you have taken a path with out conscious though, debate, or decision. Even though we have not formally talked about my submission, subconsciously, i have begun to do just that, submit.

There have been several little moments similar to this over the last week or so that have made me notice little differences in myself. Life taught me how to be strong. Strength is not something that comes natural to me. I built walls and put up barriers, to hide pain, agony, and even vulnerability. Part of me knows all these tears rushing to the surface might, in fact, be something i buried long ago that needs that release to mend. I have found a place in my life where i don't have to be as strong. Maybe i can learn again how to let go a little.

I have a friend who in the past few weeks has had to face and dance with many hard choices. Her world has been very turbulent as of late and she found herself skirting around disaster, risking a major fall. But she didn't fall, she Jumped!...and landed on her feet. I can't help but smile for her. If anyone deserves a little happiness, it is her. She is a wonderful person that simply amazes me.