just a bad day!

Last night i went to see my Sir.  I kind of left home in a hurry and didn't tell my aunt that I was leaving.  Guess she never discovered that I had left because when I did get back to the house, it was locked up tight, chains and all.  That left the only other option, the back door.  Not that big of a deal, except for spiders and one crazy K-9 fondly named Monster.  I opened the gate and made my way through the back yard in pitch dark dreading 2 things: spider webs, and the Monster!  sure enough Monster comes running jumps up and nearly knocks me over,  I got all wet and icky, made my way to the door, fought off Monster. At this point I know that he is getting me all dirty and nasty, but other than knocking the shit out of him, there is little I can do.  I get in, turn on the light and see that I am covered with blood.  WTF!!!  The dog has managed to slice his neck open and is bleeding all over the place, his tong hanging, tail wagging, hyper active self, was to excited to see me to pay any attention to the fact that he was hurt.  I cleaned him up, it was fairly bad, but figured he would live.  So this morning, I take him to the vet, can't give him stitches, so they give him shots,and meds.  I go home, the cable is out and has been since Friday, so the AT&T guy gets here and "fixes the problem!"  Woo Hoo, Tina can watch her TV, she is doing good.  However, I go back to send my Sir a message, cause i did tell Him i would send them all day to cheer him up a little, and the Internet connection is messed up!  I call AT&T, they say "We can have a guy out on Wednesday, is that fine?"  UHMMMM NO!!!! not cool.  After a few words, I was able to get them to see the situation my way, and they finely came to an understanding that someone would be out today.  I get my connection fixed and wouldn't you know it, a little storm cell passes over, lightning strikes, and blink, no electricity!  I had dinner in the oven, T-Bones at that, now trash.  I think this is one of those days where I should have stayed in bed!

Bad Week

This last week has been full of pain and insecurities. I found out that my dad has cancer and had to have surgery Monday. He survived the ordeal, but in the meantime alienated me to the point that I still can not talk to him with out getting angry, so I have not talked to him. We are waiting on the lab results to see if they got all of the cancer or if he will have to go trough another surgery. He will have to go through chemo either way.

This week I had the carpet pulled out from under my feet and I am trying to gain footing again. My D/s family found a crack in our foundation and we are currently trying to find a way to seal the cracks. While I am trying to deal with my Dad, not having a job, and now this, I am afraid that I have found myself in a very strange head space. My BFF laughed as said that she remembers this version of me. It is the bitch, as she fondly calls it. Said "it is the Gemini in me" coming out. I kind of like this kick ass version of me, but fear that it will jeopardize my D/s relationship. I hope I am back to normal soon.

vacation

I have never really gone on vacation.  At least not one that I can come right out and say "That was some vacation."  I remember as a kid going places with my parents for a day or two and sleeping at hotels that were less than lush, to say the least.  I remember going to Nashville with my grandmother for a few days when I was 12, but other than that...a real vacation as an adult is something I have never gotten to experience.  The last week has been something of a vacation.  I went to my class reunion, took my sister.  The rest of the week I spent with my D/s family.  I didn't even come home to feed the cats.  I just stayed away from vanilla.  In many ways, that was the best vacation I could ever have asked for.  I spent a lot of time just getting back in touch with me, myself, my Sir, and my sister.  I got to do a lot of thinking and learning and self exploring.  Although I have had 7 days off, it feels more like 2 and the time is slipping away. 

I am beginning to wonder if I ever really liked my job to begin with.  I really do not miss it one bit.  Don't get me wrong, I miss the kids and their silly little comments and antics, but I really do not miss working with the people I worked with.   Now all I have to do is find a job before my car gets repoed!  Crossing my fingers and taking leaps.

Force

Change has always been something that I avoid.  That fear of the unknown and the comfort of the regular have always kept me fairly reliable.   I don't end relationships.  I don't change jobs with out external cause.  Graduating from college caused me major mental trauma.  It has happened on a few occasions, that I was forced to change direction and my even keel was thrown off, and it always took me a few days to get back to level.  However, I really hate not knowing what is around the corner.  Not having a job, because I was let go from mine a few days ago, is creating some interesting feelings.  For instance, this evening, I feel like I am forgetting something.  Like there is something very important I was supposed to take care of or do.  It is eating at me, building up by paranoia and making me anxious.  I can not for the life of me figure out what I forgot.  I am sure it is because I do not have to do the many little chors I used to do on Wednesday.  I don't have to go to the store and get supplies for the class room.  I don't have to research the topic for discussion, or plan an introduction.  I don't even have to do laundry (my uniform)  for tomorrow.  The only thing I have to do is rest and recover and try not to let this "idle" state drive me insane.  Both my nervous and my hyper active energies are trying to coexist and it might just make me go crazy.  They battle back and forth, putting me in the strangest moods and frame of mind.  I know that in a day or two, I should be used to this life of leisure and that scares me the most.  How do you go from being so busy, that you often forget to eat, to having more than enough time to devour a whole banquet by yourself?

Sick and tired of being sick

About 16 months ago I got very sick, I was ill for about 8 weeks with allergies and bronchitis.  In an effort to feel better, I pulled most of the carpet out of the house (and have yet to replace it with anything) and went ill free for quite some time.  However, lately, about the last 15 weeks, it seems that I stay sick.  My head stays stopped up, and I almost live off of Advil Cold and Sinus as well as Claritin allergy meds.  The two combined keep me just well enough that I don't get bronchitis, but do not keep me from feeling like shit.  I know that there are several issues that contribute to my current state of health: One is my thyroid, it's inability to function properly leaves me with a weakened immune system. Two, I work 2 jobs, get one day off a week, and tend to ware myself out. Three. I do not eat the way I should and often don't have time to or forget to eat all together. Four, have yet to pull the rest of the carpet out of the house.  There are more factors, but they are minor.  I really need an EASY button to fix it.  There are times when I wake up and feel normal and that lasts about 2or 3 days, then wham..back to being the walking mess.  I really hope I find a real job soon, something has to give, or I am going to break.

Closet door creaks open...

Saturday turned out to be more eventful than I thought it would be.  My BFF celebrated her 10 year anniversary.  I really hated the idea of going, but would not have missed it.  She means the world to me and I wanted to be there for her.   I thought long and hard about taking Sir and sis, and in the end, it was wonderful that they came.  What it boiled down to, is that if I had been dating somevanilla for 6 months, it would have been expected and a given that that person would have been my date for the party.  Although, our relationship is a little different, it seemed natural for them to be there with me.  My BFF loves me for who I am and sees that Sir and my sister are good for me.  She likes them for that alone.  In time she will love them even more because she will begin to see just how amazing they are.  She has know for a while now, but last night I came out to her husband.  I was shocked when he said "I have loved you since the day I met you", mainly because we fight like rabid cats and dogs.  He has noticed the changes in me and can not argue that my new family is good for me.  Our conversation ended with a hug and a smile and a "I am happy for you."  So the weekend turned out better than I thought it would and who knows, maybe even a chapter closed on the animosity between her hubby and myself.  Only time will tell I guess.  I also told my aunt a little about my relationship with Sir and sis, as much as i thought she need to know any way, and she seemed to handle it very well. So all in all, my weekend was good.  Once again, page is turned and chapter is closed, only to start on a new one.

Silver lining

July is my BFF's anniversary. It is hard to believe that she and her husband have made it 10 years. 

Ohhh, and I can't forget to mention my class reunion is this year, 2 years early, but we are sharing it with 8 other classes. It should be a blast to see, not just the kids in my class, but all the kids that were in high school while I was there.

 My nephew gets to play in the World Series next week.  He is on an amazing select team of 8 year olds that were all hand picked for their special talents in baseball, and throughout the year they have been playing all over the state.  Now, they are getting ready to play against the best in the USA.  I am sooo excited for him and the opportunity he has been given.  He is an amazing baseball player even at such a young age.

I keep reminding myself that the concept of "good" would not exist with the concept of "bad".  It has been a battle this week to not let the negative out weigh the positive.  However, I am trying and with the help of Sir, my sister, and my BFF, I should be just fine.

Overload

This weekend was a little on the odd side.  I had a moment of panic that is still hanging over my head.  Sir and i am working on it, trying to figure out what happened and work out the kink.  Little things have begun to reverse back to the way they were before;  having trouble sleeping, not eating right, and once, just once, that little thought popped into my head.  Not that I would ever do it!  But that thought of dieing brought on that comfortable calm that I always get when it rares its ugly head.  I have not had those feelings for a long time now, and frankly, I don't ever want to have that thought pop into my head again. The aftermath of my little "moment" even effected my job.  I found myself getting a little aggravated and very stressed. 

It has been a week of reflection and worry.  A week of looking deep inside myself trying to figure out why I had my 'moment" and where it came from.  As of now, there are no answers to be found.  I am still a little lost and insecure, but Sir is doing his best to keep me from worrying and keeping my feet on the ground.

August is around the corner and with it comes aches of the past.  Tim was murdered August 1 2002, and Kaylee's birthday is on the 19th.  She would be 18, getting ready for college, getting ready to move out.  I would be preparing myself for the empty nest syndrome to set in.  It is a game I play of what if.  A form of self torture really. 

 In my recent moments of anxiety, it dawned on me that I really do have a reason to be stressed.  I have been working 6 days a week for nearly a year now.  A WHOLE YEAR OF WORKING 6 DAYS A WEEK.  Wow.  No wonder I am so stressed out.  Beside the occasional holiday off,  I have been working my ass off to make my bills.  I really do need to get a job in my field soon.  I am not sure if I can keep this up much longer.  And I wonder why my hair is grey!

Family

This 4th of July weekend I was lucky enough to get Sunday evening and all of Monday off.  Against better judgement I allowed my Aunt to persuade me to go home for a quick visit.  Upon arrival, I remembered why I hate going home.


I remember thinking on the way there how nice it was going to be to see my Mom and Dad, spend a quiet few hours in conversation get some much needed sleep, home made breakfast, a little bit more conversation or some shopping in with mom.  But no.  As we pull around the corner or their mile long drive way I see my Grandmother's car.  I remember saying to my self  "aww FUCK!"  I love my grandmother very much, she is a very wonderful Lady.  The catch in the situation is that there are only 2 extra beds in the house.  So if my aunt and I drive up, I get a bed and she gets the other.  However, if my Grandmother is there, then I respectfully take the couch.  So my Aunt and Grandmother get the two room upstairs. 


My mom and dad are up until around 2 am.  Normally, so am I, so that really is not the problem.  However, my Grandmother gets up at 7 am.  Now you see the problem.  The living room turns into Grand Central Station around 6 am.  Mom gets up to let the dogs out, dad gets up to feed the horses.  They get to go back to bed and sleep another 3 hours.  My grandmother is in the kitchen reading the paper, making coffee, talking to the dogs, calling her Bff Jo, flushing the toilet, doing the dishes left over from the night before, and the list goes on and on.


I think if I could get a descent nights sleep, I might not mind so much going home to see my parents.  But it is damn hard to drive 4 hours on 3 hours of sleep!  I should leave my parents in a wonderful mood, after getting to see them, but no, I am more stressed out than I was when I arrived. 


My family is not perfect, but I do love them no matter how much I complain.  I am who I am because of them.  Strong, independent, kind, protective, loyal, committed, hot headed, social butterfly, a leader..that and more rolled up into this little package that is me.  So, even though I am a little grouchy about having to sleep on a couch that smells like the 6 dogs that it has survived,  I already miss my Mom and Dad.  They are 4 hours away, and I get to see them about 4 days and 2 nights a year.  I hope to, one day soon, be able to change that.

Movement

It is strange how lights click on, and illuminate things hidden deep in my soul. Doors shut on (and lock out) bad memories from my past. Pages turn and new adventures begin. My life is definitely not the same today as it was half a year ago.




For so long I have felt as if I was standing still.  Yes, yes I was going through the motions of day to day life.  But my life was not going anywhere.  My best friend was really the only true friend I spent any time with and my family was, and still is, uninvolved for the most part.  But things are changing.  Changing fast.  I met her and her Master in January.  6 months later, i was given my tags.  With that comes the challenge of writing my first contract. I never guessed that i would go from standing still to running.    Has it really been 6 months?  It seems like only a few weeks ago i stepped into my first meeting.  That was the day that i met the 2 people that have become most of my life, my sister and my Sir.   Little things in daily life remind me of them.  Not an hour goes by in the day that they do not cross my mind. 


Everyday something unique comes up:
1) My aunt managed to let it slip to members of my genetic family that I had a boyfriend.  When I called my sister-in-law to wish her a happy birthday, she asked about "my boyfriend."  I stumbled and fumbled, while He listened on, i had no idea how to define Him to my sister-in-law.  Having a boyfriend would open a can of worms, and lead to questions i am just not prepared to answer.  i would never consider Him to be my boyfriend, He is much more than that.  For that matter, my sister is not my girlfriend, she is much more than that.  T/they are my family. (Now, i just have to figure out what i am going to tell my Dad, who now thinks i have a boyfriend.)
2) Sir, sister, and i went out together into the vanilla world.  I have to wonder what people thought when they saw the three of us out "together"?
3) I spent some time with Sir alone and we talked extensively about my past, present, and future. It was odd not having my sister there.  But i know if anything important came up that He feels she should know, he will tell her.


I know that i am very lucky to have found 3 people that take me as i am, scares and scrapes included.

1996

My best friend and I have always laughed and teased about our future.  It started almost the day we met June 1996, I believe.  She moved into the house, we hit it off and were attached at the hip instantly.  If you saw me, she was not far behind, if not literally, with her arms wrapped around me, and vice-versa.  On cold nights (no heaters) she would pad down the hall and snuggle up in my bed with me.  We cooked together, went out for drinks together, spent holidays together....The future seemed obvious.  We would have our lives, get married, out live our husbands and eventually be back to where we started.   Two little witches, living in a big antique house together with our cats and a large garden. 

Today we live about 10 minutes away from each other and spend quite a bit of time together.  Lately, my life has traveled down a path that takes up a lot of my time and I can't help but feel a little guilty in my absence.  I have to remind myself that she has made her a life: 3 kids she loves and a husband (not to mention the in-laws that are almost always there).  I have reached a place in my life where I have to focus on me.  I miss the Saturday nights we used to spend together, but seeing my Sir and sister feels just as important.  She has her life,  I feel like mine is just beginning.  That beginning is something I need to focus on now.  I just wish that I could have it all.  My family and my BFF.  I hope that in time it will all work out. 

I love you Shawna, you really are an amazing person.

the week from hell

My week is going to be interesting to say the least with the addition of VBS. I go in at 8 am, get an hour lunch, get off at 6:30pm, only to have to be across the street at my second job at 6:30 to get off at 9:30pm. As well as get ready for the Job Fair. So i hope i can make it through drop without too much worry.


But the most depressing thought about my whole week and weekend, is that i will miss out on all my birthday fun. I won't get to see my BFF, she always has a party for me and her mom (we have the same b-day), my family normally takes me out for dinner, and I might not get to see my Sir and sister. The idea of missing out really didn't bother me until today, and in fact I was not going to tell anyone that it was this week. However, I am feeling a little sad about it now.

My week is going to be a challenge and will interfere with what i want to do.   I am having to find the strength to remember what my priorities are, when all i really want to do is spend time with my Sir, sister, and the rest of the family.  I learned the difference between want and need a long time ago.  However, today, those lines are a little blurry.  I need to find time and motivation to get everything i need to do in my vanilla life accomplished.  Guess it is time to call my mom and get that mental kick in the ass that she is so good at.

Worry

It has been brought to my attention by several members of my new family, that they are worried about me.  However, I am really in a better place now than I have been in a long time.  I am actually dealing with my past instead of hiding it or hiding from it.  My life has not been easy and yet, I almost always boast a smile.  Life is just easier that way. Up until this last week.  I have allowed myself to cry in public only once.  That was the day that I buried my daughter.  I remember climbing the hill to the place where she was to be laid to rest.  My uncle D. held one hand and my uncle P. held the other.  They squeezed my hands so hard that the rings I had worn left bruises on both my hands for weeks.  I cried that day, standing on top of that small hill. 

Of course my Mom has seen me cry.   It was not that long ago, that I sat in her lap and had a good cry.  Needless to say, it was a very bad day. 

I showed up on my BFF's front steps a few years ago crying.  I had driven for 4 hours with tears streaming down my cheeks after my boyfriend died. 

 Don't get me wrong,  a tear or two will fall at funerals, weddings, and even when I sing the National Anthem (yes, I get a little emotional when it comes to our amazing Nation, all that it stands for, and all those that have fallen for Her.)  But actually crying in front of people, I just don't do it.  Normally, I shut my bedroom door and cry alone.  I don't let just anyone see me fall apart.  But this last weekend, I sat at my Sir's feet, and cried.  Although, it was more along the lines of a failed attempt not to cry.  It was a battle to keep the tears from falling, a very hard battle.  I couldn't look Him in the eye, and I clung to my sister's hand.  It was horrible.  I hated feeling that weak and vulnerable, exposing myself in such a unbecoming way. 

I have no problem showing my body, but pain and anguish are very intimate emotions.  They are a part of me that I keep covered and hidden away. Lately, I have begun to see myself as a geode.  The outer rock is interesting and often unique, but if you crack the shell, the true beauty begins to shine.  I am slowly cracking my shell....maybe one day I will shine.

 As for the positive, I feel better about myself.  Once upon a time I was a hot little package.  100 lbs of sexual, bubbly energy.  I began to gain weight and bottomed out at 165 lbs.  I have no doubt that I gained the weight because I was depressed (and hiding it).  I am down to 145lbs and feel good about it, good enough to play in public.   I don't crave junk food, I look forward to weekends, and I am adjusting to the idea that I don't have to smile all the time.  I treat myself better, take care of myself better, and have a better self image.  My world is slowly changing for the better and I have my new family and friends to thank for it.

Emotions.....

Sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it.
Sometimes, I just don't want to process it
Sometimes, I just want to avoid it.
Sometimes, I just want to ignore it.
Sometimes, I just can't face it.
Sometimes, I just can't.

Loose Ends

This weekend has been a doosie.  It started out with a girls night out Friday, that was fun.  Ended up finely getting to bed after 4am on Saturday, and no...I was just up late typing....However, around 4 I remembered that I had a meeting at 9am and was going to have to get up at 7:45 to get there in time.  I had hoped later in the day for a nap, but no...Instead I ended up helping  family clean house, so we could go to the pool .I was busy being me and hanging out until the sun went down and I headed out.  Now here is where I should have just gone home, but no....I decided about 7:45pm that I really wanted to go to the Fetish Ball. ( I guess I am a glutton for punishment.)  So at 9:30pm I ended up down town Houston working and doing some major People Watching.  I managed to get home around 2:30 am, only to get settled down, lights out at 3:30 am, only to have to get back up at 8:30 am for work on Sunday.  So all in all,  in the last  53.5 hours only 8.75 of that was spent sleeping.....I think, (and hope) that I can sleep tonight. 

Despite the lack of sleep, it has been a very fun and entertaining weekend.  Can't wait for the next.

Steel Panther

WOW...I had a blast tonight.  I went out with 2 of my sisters to see a heavy metal 80's band.  I have not danced and laughed that much in a long time.  I was a little sad when one of them started getting a headache and decided to head home early.  I am not surprised though.  The music was heavy and loud and the props guy kept blowing fake smoke.  (I am sure I will pay for it some time Saturday.)   I think if I had been in her shoes, I would have wanted to go home too.  But noooooo, I go home to my cat every night. 


The end of the night ended on an odd note with me sitting in my other sisters car for about an hour waiting for the cops to clear up an altercation that broke out, literally, at my car.  On the bright side, it was quiet and we were able to chit chat with out screaming at each other.


I find myself at loose ends this weekend and feel a little lost.  I have been spending all of my weekends with friends and this weekend they all seem to have plans that do not include each other.  It feels very odd to say the least.  I am sure that by the end of the day I will have found something to do to keep me busy.

Change

The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs.  The world is changing around me and I am having to think about changes in my life that will undo the joy I have found recently.  I have until November to find a job or I have to re certify, and I am starting to sweat.  There just are not that many jobs available in our area and my family is pushing and urging me to take any position in Texas that I am offered.  The idea of leaving my best friend (again), and my new family is very disruptive to my current state of happiness.  I try to hold on to a positive outlook, but the reality is,  I might have to move away.

I play the scenario in my head and wonder if, when, and howIf I end up moving away...
If I move can I make this work....
When will I get to see my BFF and family.....
How the HELL is this going to work!!!!!!


All the changes have put me back into that place where I just want to curl up and cry...again
I AM SO TIRED OF WANTING/NEEDING TO CRY........


I have found a much needed happy place, and it looks like that might be changing.  Sometimes I wish I was Scarlet, "I can't think about this now.  I'll go crazy if I do.  I'll think about it tomorrow."  The only problem is that today is tomorrow.  I have to think about it now.  I really, really don't want to.  The idea of leaving hurts too much. 
 
Some one, some where, came up with this bright idea that change was good..... I have to wonder if that same person also invented pantyhose?  They are very nice, smooth, and sexy for a while, until you get a runner!  Then all you have is a hand full of silky trash.

OMG...I love my family

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d023GwL8BB4
This is a video of my nephew hitting his first real home run.  He rocks on the baseball field.  I am so proud of him.

Mother's Day...

A very Innocent day of celebration for children to say
that they love their Mom.   It's a hard day for me.  I call my mom and grand mother, wish them A HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, chat for a minute or two, get off the phone, lay in bed and cry. 

Holidays are often hard.  Christmas, Thanks Giving, Kaylee's birthday...and Mother's Day.  I don't get to get the typical fan fair, or celebrate like other mothers.  Everywhere I go I hear  "Happy Mother's Day."  I smile and politely respond the expected "Thank You."  when in truth, all I want to do is cry.    


This year has been the most difficult.  I began to dwell on the the little moments I have missed and will miss.  Her first prom, first homecoming, Christmas mornings around the tree, and the wonderful home made Mother's Day cards and other little moments and memories. Lately I have been focusing on the fact that she would be a Senior in High school this year, and getting ready to graduate.     

I can't even go to see her at the cemetery today  (sometimes that helps), she is too far away now.

So I compose myself long enough to pick up the phone and make the obligatory Happy Mother's Day phone calls to give my Mom and Grandmother something to look forward to next year, because this year I just can't make it home, "But maybe next year Mom. I love You."

 It's hard, and sometimes I just need a hug, but the idea of seeing my mom only brings my loss closer to heart.  I love my mom so much, I tell her so all the time.  I have to wonder if Kaylee would have done the same for me. 

There is a hole in my heart, and today it really hurts.

He Laughed

The last week has been full of epiphanies. I began to notice differences in my behavior and am constantly on the verge of tears. When i brought the issue up, He laughed. Yes, He laughed. but with good reason....

EXPLANATION: This weekend i went to a small get together (about 12 ppl) to hang out and just relax. In my head i know that He was going to be there and when it cam time to eat, He was nowhere in sight. Everyone filled their plates and settled in for an amazing home cooked meal. I, on the other hand, sat staring at my plate with a most disturbed lost feeling. He was not there and I honestly felt as if i was doing something wrong by starting without Him. It took 2 Doms and a sub to convince me that it was, in fact, OK and that i really needed to eat. I believe the winning argument was that it might be another hour before He arrived. So, i pushed my unease aside and ate my lunch like a good girl. I didn't tell Him about my little "moment" until Wednesday, and He found my little tale entertaining.

The reality is that sometimes you have no choice about the path you follow. Sometimes the fork in the the road sneaks up on you and the next thing you know you have taken a path with out conscious though, debate, or decision. Even though we have not formally talked about my submission, subconsciously, i have begun to do just that, submit.

There have been several little moments similar to this over the last week or so that have made me notice little differences in myself. Life taught me how to be strong. Strength is not something that comes natural to me. I built walls and put up barriers, to hide pain, agony, and even vulnerability. Part of me knows all these tears rushing to the surface might, in fact, be something i buried long ago that needs that release to mend. I have found a place in my life where i don't have to be as strong. Maybe i can learn again how to let go a little.

I have a friend who in the past few weeks has had to face and dance with many hard choices. Her world has been very turbulent as of late and she found herself skirting around disaster, risking a major fall. But she didn't fall, she Jumped!...and landed on her feet. I can't help but smile for her. If anyone deserves a little happiness, it is her. She is a wonderful person that simply amazes me.

King of the Comforter

How dare I think I am the one in charge:

He knows that he is.........purrrrrrr fect.

Need

I am at a loss and words can not describe the place I am in. In the past, I would simple strip down and pull out my paints and canvas, head down to the studio to throw some clay, or grab my old Pentax and head somewhere unique and do a little photography, just to work out this odd emptiness. I settled for climbing up in the attic, and digging through my packed boxes of thrown pottery. My art has been hidden for 3 years, and it was a welcoming sight. It is amazing to me that the changes in my life have yet to diminish the need to create. I feel empty and bottled up all at the same time. Without a real outlet to ebb that instinct, I feel trapped, dissatisfied. Although seeing my work, holding it in my (now grubby) hands helps, it still does not quiet the restrained bohemian in me.

Image: The Beautiful Lady without Pity by Dicksee

Not sure why, or if there really has to be a reason, but this poem popped into my head. It is one of my favorites by my favorite poet. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

La Belle Dame sans Merci
by John Keats

Oh What can ail thee, knight-at-arms,

Alone and palely loitering?

The sedge has withered from the lake,

And no birds sing.

Oh what can ail thee, knight-at-arms,

So haggard and so woe-begone?

The squirrel's granary is full,

And the harvest's done.

I see a lily on they brow,

With anguish moist and fever-dew,

And on thy cheeks a fading rose

Fast withereth too.

I met a lady in the meads,

Full beautiful- a faery's child,

her hair was long, her foot was light,

And her eyes were wild.

I made a garland for hr head,

And bracelets too, and fragrant zone:

She looked at ma as she did love,

And made sweet moan.

I set her on my pacing steed,

And nothing else saw all day long,

For sidelong would she bend, and sing

A Faery's song.

She found me roots of relish sweet,

And honey wild, and manna-dew,

And sure in language strange she said-

'I love thee true'.

She took me to her elfin grot,

And there she wept and sighed full sore,

And there I shut her wild wild eyes

With kisses four.

And there she lulled me asleep

And there I dreamed-Ah! woe betide!-

The latest dream I ever dreamt

On the cold hill side.

I saw pale kings and princes too,

Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;

They cried-'La Belle Dame sans Merci

Hath thee in thrall!'

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,

With horrid warning gaped wide,

And I awoke and found me here,

On the cold hill's side.

And this is why I sojourn here

Alone and palely loitering,

Though the sedge is withered form the lake,

And no birds sing.

Smellie kids sent home

I went and spent 10$ to get my nails done today. Something I normally don't do. And while sitting there having polish and shine added to my tips the news did a story on students in California that got sent home from school because of the way they smelled. Ha ha...Ok...don't worry if they can add 2 +2, or spell perfume, but if they have too much deodorant, perfume, cologne on, send them home. I think a better resolution would be to send them to the locker rooms and get them to take a shower. But no, the school decided instead to jeopardize their education and give them the rest of the day off. WOW, lucky kids. Stupid principal! Lets see how many kids reek tomorrow?

Battle-vs-Challenge

Throughout my life I have been handed many obstacles. Between loosing my daughter to SIDS and my husband committing suicide, my life has been less than perfect to say the least. However, for the past 5 years, I have been facing an even tougher labyrinth. The maze to find myself.


After a collection of failed relationships, I decided to take a little time off for me. I may never finish this marathon, but it has been worth every year, month, week, day, hour, minute, and second of it. It has taken a long time, but I have found a place where I feel at ease. A place where I can stop running, and take look at the beauty around me.After years of floundering for significance, I discovered a world of dreams, desires, friends, and needs. And in this World, there are people that accept you as you are, yes they ask questions, but only because they want to understand the reason for who you have become. They accept your faults as a unique texture of YOU.


I am comfortable in my skin these days and do not question the reason as to why I am happier now than I have been in years. I have friends out side of this world that may never know or understand what the Lifestyle is about. I am sure one day there will come a reason that they must need know. I have no doubt that some will accept my choices, and know for a fact that others will not. When that day comes, I will have more decisions to make and hope that I make the right ones. I have a very close friend in the Lifestyle, and she is having to make those choices at a young age. I only hope that I handle the same challenge with as much grace and guidance as she.


Once upon a time, the idea of dieing gave me a comfortable tingle. I have not had those thoughts in about 5 months. Life is no longer a battle, but a challenge. And I thank all of my new friends for everything they have done for me. You have found a place in my heart and I have found a place where I belong.